Today is the Day

Well, in my mind the first leg of my journey to Mexico begins today. Only instead of Mexico, it will be a trip to Dalton to meet my in-laws and drop my children off. I have such mixed feelings about all of this. We have never been seperated in so many different directions like this so that is definitely weird. I'm going to miss them like crazy, but at the same time I think it will be good for us. I am a firm believer in absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hate like everything to be seperated from them or Craig, but the reunion is always sweet. Also, I never had the opportunity to go and spend a week with my Grandparents during the summer because you can't really put a kid on a plane in Japan and say, "have a safe trip, hope you make it to New York in one piece". Well, I guess you could, but my parents were not those kind of parents! So, I think the kids are going to have a blast even though they are already telling me how much they are going to miss me. My sweet Kayla told me last night that she would be praying for me. Wow! It is one thing to pray for your kids, but when they turn around and tell you that they are going to be praying for YOU, that is some kind of feeling!

I wish that I could tell all of you how much this mission trip means to me and how huge it is in my life. I know some of you know that I have suffered from horrible panic attacks since I was in high school. Honestly up until a couple of years ago I would not have ventured anywhere without Craig. He was my security. He knew all about the anxiety and how to help calm me down when I was in the midst of an attack. My thoughts were always, "I don't want to do that because it is different or out of the box and what happens if I have a panic attack while I'm there, and on and on." I realize that this probably sounds very trivial to a lot of people, but I am telling you that I was living in a stronghold of fear. Praise God that He has delivered me from this. I wish that I could talk to everybody out there that struggles with stuff like this because it is only something that can be understood by someone who has been there. It is awful. Gradually over the last two to three years God has been teaching me who I am in Him, the worth that I have because He made me, the confidence that I can have in Him. This trip to Mexico is like my last little step on the journey to complete and total freedom in Christ. People keep asking me if Craig is going with me, and, oh, how I wish he was, but, honestly, this one I need to go just with God. He IS my security. It is actually very funny how all of this came up. I knew God was calling me and when I finally said, "okay, God, I will go", I didn't know anybody else that was going, and I was okay with that. I knew that I would get to know the other people that were going as we were on our way. Well, several weeks later I was talking to my friend, Sadonna about it. I hadn't really told anybody and I'm not sure why I told her, but I did. She was stunned. God had been calling her too and she was running. So now God has given me a friend that I know well to go with me. We are roomies! On top of that, just a few weeks before everything had to be finalized for this trip, Jim and Janna were asked to go. I feel like God rewarded me for my obedience - what an incredibly humbling thought. I think He just wanted to see if I would be willing to follow all by myself.

I know this is getting to be a lengthy entry, but, hey, it's my blog, right?:-) I have to write about this one last thing. My relationship with God has been somewhat stagnant over the last several months. I felt like I am just kind of like a hooked fish - you keep flopping around, but you get nowhere - can I get an amen? As I have prepared for this trip I can feel myself getting closer to the Lord and have just felt Him preparing me in many different ways. Well, while I have been running around this week, I have heard that song, "I can only imagine", like three times or something. I thought it was kind of strange because that song has been out for so long that they don't play it a ton anymore - at least I don't hear it that often. So last night on my way home from my last appointment it's on the radio again. I started singing along, of course, and then just really got to where I was listening to the words and how they apply right now. Go with me for a minute, I'm not a seminary student and my analogy is probably horribly screwed up, BUT, you gotta go with what God puts on your heart. Obviously that song is about being in the presence of Almighty God and wondering what your response/reaction will be. Well, I have always only associated that song with Heaven, but last night I got to thinking about it in respect of this trip to Mexico. I couldn't help but wonder - what will my response be when I see God show up in Mexico, when I see His face shining through on the faces of these little Mexican children that I'm going to be ministering to. Wow. Will I be able to stand and lift a hand in praise and worship to Him, or will I only be able to fall on my knees in awe of the great God that I serve? Will I want to dance and sing? Or will I only be able to weep at His greatness?

I'll let you know...